


In the lamplight

by s_a_b_i_n_e



Series: Destiel Oneshots (smut-free) [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: A bit of fluff on the side, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, But they are idiots, Castiel Deserves Nice Things (Supernatural), Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester is a closeted romantic, Dean Winchester is widely read, Dean is emotionally constipated, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, M/M, Men in love, Shakespeare helps, The two love each other so much, Tumblr Prompt, Words don't come easy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29081292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_a_b_i_n_e/pseuds/s_a_b_i_n_e
Summary: Dean doesn't show affection easily. It's not that he doesn't love Castiel enough or that he is ashamed of their relationship. Feelings are just so damn hard to show when you pushed them away for more than a decade.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Destiel Oneshots (smut-free) [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022302
Comments: 8
Kudos: 50





	In the lamplight

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this [tumblr prompt](https://otpprompts.tumblr.com/post/182774212846/person-a-doesnt-show-affection-easily-person-b):
> 
> _Person A doesn’t show affection easily, Person B loves making romantic gestures. One time when they cuddle before falling asleep together, person A whispers Shakespeare’s 75 sonnet into Person B’s ear._
> 
> First I thought that Castiel had to be Person A, but reading the sonnet I just knew these were words Dean had to say.

It doesn't bother Castiel. It really doesn't. It shouldn't bother him. It musn't. Okay, it does, a little. But he sucks it up because he loves that man with all his heart and he will show him that he deserves to be cherished every minute for the rest of his life. It doesn't matter that Dean doesn't do the same for him. It's not important.

His boyfriend may be the most selfless, loving human being, but when it comes to romance, Dean isn't really a heavyweight. He likes to show his love through deeds and Cass sees and acknowledges that. Romantic gestures just aren't Dean's forte.

He can't even say the few terms of endearment that he has for Cass whenever anyone else is around. Then 'sunshine' becomes 'pal', 'sweetheart' turns to 'buddy', and 'my love' is replaced by a pat on his back. Castiel tries not to be hurt by it. He has Dean and everyone around them knows that they belong together. That's all that counts.

Though, it might not hurt so much if Castiel didn't have to listen to Sam and Eileen calling each other similar things out in the open, didn't have to see how they don't interrupt their kisses when someone enters the room, or how Sam buys her little gifts on a regular basis. Every time it gives Castiel's heart a little jealous stab. He hates himself for it.

He tried to call Dean 'beloved' when Charlie was around and once 'honey' slipped through his lips while Claire was visiting. Both times it earned him a disgruntled boyfriend who sulked until they went to bed. He won't try this ever again. He just calls him 'Dean'. It's his name after all.

Cass often leaves Dean little notes of love on their bathroom mirror. He picks flowers for him that the hunter takes with a grunt, but always puts into a vase and proudly displays them in the shared living space. The angel knows that his boyfriend loves the playlists he makes for him on Spotify; Dean even listens to those he would tease Sam for if he dared to put them on the loudspeakers. And whenever Castiel surprises him with an empty bunker and a home-cooked dinner for two, candlelight and all, Dean's face lights up for a moment.

The hunter relishes all those gestures of love and devotion. He blushes every time, his heartbeat speeds up, and his insides turn to goo. But doing the same? The mere thought makes Dean nervous. He tried being romantic with Lisa, turned to the usual schtick - romantic restaurants, baths by candlelight, gifts from Lush and Swarovski.

But being with Cass is so different. Dean doesn't know how to be romantic for him. The angel for sure isn't one for jewellery. And ever since Castiel's first try to take a bath together very early on in their relationship he hasn't asked again. Dean knows it's his fault. Maybe he should buy one of those bath bombs and just ask him. But what is he meant to say? "Hey, Cass, remember that time I stormed out of the bathroom because I had a moment of gay panic, but let's jump into the tub now"?

Dean knows that Castiel deserves better than a grumpy boyfriend who shuts down every public show of affection when it goes beyond an appropriately timed hug. He hates himself for it. How many one-night stands did he hold hands with in the past? How many did he kiss on the mouth in the middle of a restaurant? How often does he still call a waitress sweetheart?

With Castiel he never does any of this outside of their room or the Dean cave. It's not that he is ashamed of being bi or pan or whatever the cool kids call it nowadays. It's just ... It's difficult.

Dean never felt so intensely for anyone before. Hell, they had a twelve year long build-up until they finally got together. Some might see this as romantic, but the pining just made Dean suppress all his instincts. How often did he keep himself from brushing his hand through Castiel's hair? How often did he refrain from touching his face? He can count the instances where he just gave in to the impulse. They weren't pretty. They were desperate and filled with fear.

Sammy told him to start small. But Castiel still doesn't get all the social cues. What if he doesn't let go of his hand in front of a homophobic arsehole? What if he crosses the line and does or says things that belong into the bedroom?

That's bullshit of course and Dean knows it. It's just Dean who isn't brave enough to give up the facade of the adamant man, to let others see his softer side outside of near or real death situations.

Dean loves Castiel with all his heart and he wishes he could give him back all that he is giving so freely to him. But he can't. His heart slips into his mouth when he tries to find words outside of the safe darkness in their bedroom, he feels panic rising, he learns again and again what a coward he is. He hates himself for it.

Dean tries. He really does. He lets Castiel choose movies for example. That's difficult on so many levels. He never knows what emotional drama or stupid chick flick his boyfriend will ask for. Okay, maybe not all are bad, but they are all about _feelings_. Dean hates that stuff. The movies plant ideas into Castiel's head about what romance should look like and put even more pressure on Dean who is struggling with that anyway.

But the worst thing is that the angel seems to know that watching these movies together is Dean trying to do the right thing in the safety of his little private cinema. It's nothing Dean really wants, but Cass clings on it desperately and isn't that kind of fucked up? The love of his life shouldn't live from crumbs and late-night confessions.

One night Castiel sighs at the television, cursing inwardly that he made Dean watch this movie with him. 'It's a modern classic," Eileen had said and she wasn't wrong. The movie is funny and romantic, a bit weird, and historically inaccurate. 

Gwyneth Paltrow is good and Joseph Fiennes, well he's Joseph Fiennes. Dean is mostly silent, but Cass feels his eyes on him. He wishes he could curl up on Dean's side, but those stupid chairs aren't made for that and the last time Cass tried to settle in Dean's lap his boyfriend complained about his weight. The angel knows it was just because Sam said he might join them later. But still.

Castiel gets whiplash every day. Yes, it's still new between them and he could deal with it if Dean just wasn't so different by day and by night. Because when the lights are out and the chances that anyone might barge in are zero, Dean is the most attentive lover one might imagine.

And it's never about his own satisfaction. He is soft because Cass likes it that way. He knows instinctively what and how Castiel wants, needs him. He murmurs praises into his skin, tells him how beautiful he is, makes love to him. And for this one hour or so, the angel feels truly loved. It should be more than enough and on most days it is.

But tonight something is different. There is silence between them on the way back to their room. Dean doesn't bitch about the movie or makes fun of its cheesiness. He doesn't say a single word until the door closes behind them.

Dean leans against the wall and watches Castiel undress in the soft light of the bedside lamp. There are words heavy on his tongue, heavy on his heart. They are stupid, and corny, and beautiful, and perfect - just like the man who is pulling up Dean's hot dog pyjama bottoms.

"Aren't you tired?" Castiel asks softly and snaps Dean out of his reverie. 

"Sure," the hunter mumbles and changes quickly before he slips under the cover and pulls Castiel on his chest. The lamp is still shining, indicating that Dean isn't ready to give in to his other side. Not yet. Castiel sighs softly against his bare chest. Will it ever be easy between them?

He feels Dean's hand in his hair, then his lips. It's unfamiliar in the lit room but more than welcome. Babysteps.

Dean murmurs something under his breath. Maybe he thinks the angel can't understand the words, but he does.

_So are you to my thoughts as food to life,  
Or as sweet-season'd showers are to the ground;  
And for the peace of you I hold such strife _

Castiel smiles silently and presses a kiss over Dean's heart.

_Now counting best to be with you alone,  
Then better'd that the world may see my pleasure;  
Sometime all full with feasting on your sight  
And by and by clean starved for a look_

Castiel's heart warms hearing those words. It's one thing to know that Dean likes looking at him when he only says so in the dark. Hearing him confess his inner turmoil of living their love in the secrecy of this room or fully out there in the open - even with borrowed words - is so vulnerable that he can't think of Dean as anything but brave right now.

_Possessing or pursuing no delight,  
Save what is had or must from you be took._

That's the point, isn't it? Dean isn't allowing himself to show his feelings. It has nothing to do with how much he loves Castiel or that he might be ashamed of his feelings for an angel in a male body.

Silence falls between them until Dean reaches for the light switch. Castiel stops his hand and props up his head on Dean's chest.

He brushes a hand through Dean's hair and strokes a thumb over his cheek. "I understand," he whispers. He really does.

This night when they make love, the soft light of the bedside lamp casts shadows over Castiel's features. And Dean feasts, soaks in all the little details. And when he comes with Cass' name on his lips the angel understands that it doesn't take endearments or PDAs to know how much Dean loves him. It's all there in those green eyes, and soft touches, and Shakespeare’s words.

_Thus do I pine and surfeit day by day,  
Or gluttoning on all, or all away._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. 💚💙 I'm always happy to hear what you think.


End file.
